Rant!!

feel free not to read this, I'm just so fed up that I need to get it out!

Todays plans were to go for a short walk, dye my hair, and make soup. Considering I only managed to get out of bed at 2pm, it's looking unlikely that I'm going to manage any of them.

I hate hate hate hate hate my horrible lungs. After an entire night of wheezing, coughing, using inhalers, sitting upright, dozing for about 10 minutes a time, oxygen sats of 82% - 90%, I feel awful :( I'm tachycardic, thanks salbutamol, but I've got to the point where the shakes no longer effect me (does that happen to anyone else? You have so much that you go past the shakes?? I get the shakes with back to back nebs, but not otherwise)

I've had the discussion with my consultant many times over having a home neb. He always refuses, he says if I need a neb I should go to hospital immediately as my asthma has a tendancy to rapidly deteroriate. He thinks I'm not responsible enough, if I had a home neb then I'd stay at home until I became very poorly.
But I don't go to hospital unless I feel my life is in danger, I just make do with my inhaler and spacer, which I've heard numerous times is as good as a neb, but I really don't think that it is!!
Maybe if I did call an ambulance every time I needed a neb, then he'd see my point, but I really really really try to avoid hospital/999 calls until I get to the point of knowing I need medical attention otherwise I'm in trouble.
I guess that statement might prove that my consultant is right, I am irresponsible when it comes to my asthma. I wouldn't let anyone else get away with what I do, but I'm different, I'll always be fine *roll eyes* then I have a shock which proves I'm not invincible and start to take care of myself, but then slowly revert back to my stupid ways. I'm incredibly blasé when it comes to my asthma, it frustrates other people, and at times frustrates me as I know in the past I've let myself get into dangerous situations because I should have acted sooner.

Anyway, after being sat down for an hour, my sats are 93%. See they're improving, I don't need to worry. (and before anyone says anything, I've always dropped my sats when my asthma plays up, I've had investigations but we're still not sure why it happens, it's not typical for an asthmatic, but it's typical for me. I was once sat in resus with sats of 78% but I really didn't feel too bad!!)

My chest is tight, my back hurts, my head hurts, my peak flow is 180 and as soon as I move to get a drink I become breathless and my sats drop, so as long as I stay here, sitting down, I should be okay. Just for the record, if I become worse then of course I will call an ambulance, I don't want to die, but I know my own body, as it starts to ease off I should be okay, until it starts over again then I'll have to reassess.

Meh. I guess it could be worse. I'm just feeling very sorry for myself. I've got an appointment with my consultant on Monday so I'll see what he has to say.