Always

It's been a while since my last post. I have been meaning to write, I get onto Blogger then I find I just don't have the words.

Since my last post I ended up in hospital again, less than 2 weeks after I was discharged. Usual story of managing at home until getting very poorly very quickly. For the first time ever, I have no recollection of the paramedics arriving. I always manage to 'hold on' until they turn up, then I know I'm safe - I'm in their care, they'll look after me. I've always thought of it as some kind of survival mechanism. Apparently this time I was unconscious and barely breathing when they turned up, then went into full respiratory arrest. I've always taken some comfort in this survival mechanism; however bad I get, somehow I manage to keep myself going until help arrives. Now, I can't depend on this. Does this mean I shouldn't depend on the fact that I always manage to call for help? What happens when one day I can't get to the phone and dial 999? When other people have asked me that my answer has always been "but I always manage to call for help". Up until this time, I've always managed to 'hold on' for the paramedics to turn up before collapsing. There are a lot of 'always' in this, but now this survival mechanism doesn't seem dependable.

My respiratory nurse tried to talk to me about having a pendant alarm. I was horrified. Then my parents brought up the idea. I laughed and said old people need pendant alarms, not me, I'm 31.

I didn't intend to write about this. I hadn't even thought about this since leaving hospital. All of a sudden I feel very vulnerable.