Wednesday, 30 March 2011


feel free not to read this, I'm just so fed up that I need to get it out!

Todays plans were to go for a short walk, dye my hair, and make soup. Considering I only managed to get out of bed at 2pm, it's looking unlikely that I'm going to manage any of them.

I hate hate hate hate hate my horrible lungs. After an entire night of wheezing, coughing, using inhalers, sitting upright, dozing for about 10 minutes a time, oxygen sats of 82% - 90%, I feel awful :( I'm tachycardic, thanks salbutamol, but I've got to the point where the shakes no longer effect me (does that happen to anyone else? You have so much that you go past the shakes?? I get the shakes with back to back nebs, but not otherwise)

I've had the discussion with my consultant many times over having a home neb. He always refuses, he says if I need a neb I should go to hospital immediately as my asthma has a tendancy to rapidly deteroriate. He thinks I'm not responsible enough, if I had a home neb then I'd stay at home until I became very poorly.
But I don't go to hospital unless I feel my life is in danger, I just make do with my inhaler and spacer, which I've heard numerous times is as good as a neb, but I really don't think that it is!!
Maybe if I did call an ambulance every time I needed a neb, then he'd see my point, but I really really really try to avoid hospital/999 calls until I get to the point of knowing I need medical attention otherwise I'm in trouble.
I guess that statement might prove that my consultant is right, I am irresponsible when it comes to my asthma. I wouldn't let anyone else get away with what I do, but I'm different, I'll always be fine *roll eyes* then I have a shock which proves I'm not invincible and start to take care of myself, but then slowly revert back to my stupid ways. I'm incredibly blasé when it comes to my asthma, it frustrates other people, and at times frustrates me as I know in the past I've let myself get into dangerous situations because I should have acted sooner.

Anyway, after being sat down for an hour, my sats are 93%. See they're improving, I don't need to worry. (and before anyone says anything, I've always dropped my sats when my asthma plays up, I've had investigations but we're still not sure why it happens, it's not typical for an asthmatic, but it's typical for me. I was once sat in resus with sats of 78% but I really didn't feel too bad!!)

My chest is tight, my back hurts, my head hurts, my peak flow is 180 and as soon as I move to get a drink I become breathless and my sats drop, so as long as I stay here, sitting down, I should be okay. Just for the record, if I become worse then of course I will call an ambulance, I don't want to die, but I know my own body, as it starts to ease off I should be okay, until it starts over again then I'll have to reassess.

Meh. I guess it could be worse. I'm just feeling very sorry for myself. I've got an appointment with my consultant on Monday so I'll see what he has to say.

Monday, 14 March 2011


I didn't realise it had been quite so long since I last posted! To be honest, not much has happened....

I had a CT scan of my chest, I haven't heard anything back following this so I'm taking no news as good news and hoping that I haven't developed bronchiectasis. I had my DEXA scan today, the results are right on the border between oestopenia and healthy, not great but better than my last one in 2006 so I'm relatively happy with that :)

My horrible lungs are still, well, horrible! The last time I had a undisturbed nights sleep was last year sometime, I've just had to accept this is life now! I really notice my stupid lungs when I'm walking with other people, I can't walk and talk at their pace, I get breathless so easily, I find it extremely frustrating and embarrassing. Actually, I get very breathless when I'm walking on my own at my own pace, but I suppose I notice it more and feel more self conscious when I'm with other people :( I wasn't going to reapply for my DLA when it's expires later this year, but it appears that my optimism that my asthma was improving was just that, optimism :( Ahh well, it could be worse, at least I'm not in and out of hospital every other week like I used to be!

I'm still not back at work despite my numerous emails and phone calls. I've now been off for a year, granted it was almost 2 years last time this happened, but still, it's not helping my 'battle' to get back to nursing on wards when I can't even sit in an office..... it would have been so much easier for me to accept medical retirement back in 2007... but I refused to give up then and I refuse to give up now.

And apart from all that, I'm trying to keep myself busy so I don't have too much time to sit and dwell on things. I'm still enjoying volunteering for the Samartians, although it's disturbing how many sex calls or people phoning up to hurl abuse down the phone we get! I do my shifts in the afternoon or evening as my lungs don't like mornings, sometimes it can take a few hours for the wheeze and breathlessness to ease off. I'm having issues when it comes to night shifts - wheezing and coughing down the phone isn't great, so once I've completed all the nights required to become a fully trained Samaritan, as opposed to a New Samaritan, I might have to look at whether volunteering on nights is good for me.
I'm also making an effort to meet up with friends, and have fun drinking cocktails, my favourite pastime :D Haha seriously, I think it would be so easy for me to sit at home moping about how awful my life is, how ill I am blah blah blah, I'm making sure I have some fun times so life isn't all doom and gloom :)