:(

I did have a few lung related things I was going to blog about at some point this weekend, but that post can wait. 

This morning I woke up with a bit of a migraine so I got up, fed Tommy, took some tablets, put my phone on silent and went back to bed. When I eventually woke up I had loads of missed calls from my cousins and a voicemail asking me to phone. You know when you see loads of missed calls on your phone and your heart sinks; you know something bad has happened? So when I phoned I was expecting bad news. My Nan had a heart attack this morning and died. The family had been trying to get hold of my Dad to tell him, but they hadn't been able. I knew my parents plans for today, and knew I'd be able to get hold of him on his mobile. So I had the lovely task of phoning my Dad and telling him that Nan, his Mum, had died this morning. I can honestly say it was one of the worst things I've ever had to do. Obviously as a nurse I've had to phone people to tell them that a relative has died, but it's a bit different phoning my Dad with that news!

We moved from Birmingham to Devon when I was 15, and after then I didn't see any of my family who lived in Birmingham very much - we've never been the closest of families. Over the past few years, I've made an effort to reconnect with my grandparents and cousins when I've been in Birmingham for hospital appointments. My grandparents live really close to Heartlands hospital so I'd pop over after hospital appointments, and on this recent admission, I left my car with them and they came and visited me a few times. I saw them on Monday before coming back home. Nan had said how nice it was to see me, and how I'd come out of my shell and grown into a lovely young lady. It was really nice to see them too :)

It's a shock. I know Nan was in her 80's and was looking more frail every time I saw her, but her general health was good. I feel sad, but it's awful to admit it, I'm not devastated and I haven't cried at all. I feel like such a bitch, a horrible person. Why aren't I more upset? My grandparents were a big part of my life until I moved to Devon. I know how happy it made her that I'd gotten in contact recently and she'd seen me as an adult. I know my cousins are absolutely devastated. I know I'm not heartless, and I am sad, but...... but I really feel like a heartless bitch right now.

RIP Nan x