Life feels hard right now.
My mood is in a downward spiral. I'm trying to stop it, I really am.
I had a full on bulimia relapse the week before last. 'Blips' are normal, recovery is a long process and I can accept blips. But I can't call a week long episode a blip, I can't kid myself that it was something that innocent, it was a relapse, and that makes me sad.
I broke the cycle though before it took complete control. That's something at least.
I feel so alone. I have no one to talk to about how I feel. I promised myself that I wouldn't allow myself to get into this position again, where I felt alone with these feelings, but here I am, with no one to turn to.
I've got friends that in theory I could talk to, I have my GP, I'm still technically under the mental health services (for severe depression) so I could contact someone, but I don't feel able to talk to anyone.
I had a meeting in the week with my respiratory nurse and occupational health, where a plan was devised which will (hopefully!) enable me to return to work. It felt like an exercise in making me feel stupid.
After the meeting I stayed to chat to my nurse, she is lovely and I spoke about some of the above stuff, but.... well she has better things to do than listen to me whine. Don't get me wrong, she listened and was supportive, but I took up enough of her time as it was.
Anyway, it will pass. I'm sure it will. I'm struggling with being off work for so long, I don't do well when I don't have routine or structure to my life.
ok, enough with the negativity, positives.......
My lungs are being relatively well behaved. I'm reducing my steroids down nicely, using my salbutamol inhaler less than 20 puffs (complete guestimate lol) a day which is good for me!
All being well, I should be starting Omalizumab this week!! I'm being admitted to respiratory ward for the day which isn't normal procedure. My consultant thinks it's for the best as it's my first dose and considering my tendancy to get very poorly very quickly. I don't mind; I'll take a book, a sandwich and diet coke and hopefully be able to sit quietly for the day :)
The plan to enable me to get back to work has been devised. It now needs to be agreed by a few people, but unfortunately this time of year people are on holiday. I think it's realistic to say that I should be back to work sometime in August :)
(See Dawn, stop being so miserable, things aren't as bad as they seem.)